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Day of the dead

hey i'm depressed. the sun is okay though. just because it sets later doesn't mean it doesn't stay out at all. and my mom is okay though. because she and i talk more often, and she tells me about her boyfriend who broke up with her and i tell her about my girlfriend who i broke up with but still love too much. she might move to harlem and that's good. my brother is going good places too. and danielle is okay and i want to get back together with her now. i'm depressed but it's okay because i know more about depression than i ever have. i think we might get back together, but in a paolo-danielle way. i bet there are a lot of paolo-danielle ways.
i will put a title on each of my posts now so i can check back on them in 2 years and know what's in them from Calendar view mode, because the best part of this entry is in 2 years when i read this.
and i miss you a lot, friend.
and today is the day of the dead, and i made a candy skull today that was supposed to commemorate someone who died, but i've never had someone close to me die. i won't wait but i might want to get it out of my way.
oh and i'm going to get an HIV test back tomorrow for the first time ever, and in so many ways i want to have it so i can be freer. and loved. and appreciate everything a lot more than i do now.
and sitting on the dock of the bay watching the tide roll away.
I stood by the playground at the edge of Fort Tryon Park and talked to Paolo on the phone awhile before getting on the subway. We talked about the value of suffering, reflecting, and situating experiences within narratives—how all of that deepens action and makes living worthwhile because without it we have little to truly offer others and how the absence of it is neither fulfilling nor healthy for me.
Melanie

Sleep the clock around

I just wrote my mom a sad email cause I can be so desperate sometimes.
Kerem, my friend and roommate, plays Sleep the Clock Around by Belle and Sebastian every day, and now I do too, and I think it's kind of the only thing that makes me know that time passes and it passes well.
I don't really feel capable to put myself in a better state.
(Except Texas maybe)

I've been latching on to the sports teams that I love so much and the players on those teams. I root for Danielle's school LSU and it breaks my heart. I'll still root for them. They lost to Florida last night and it breaks my heart just as much (as rooting for my ex's football team).
At least I have the Mets (I think).

Oct. 8th, 2006

My brother turned 18 in Germany. That means he's an adult. He's still 17 in New York though, and in Sarasota.
He's all I think about kind of, he's all I really want to think about.
I actually don't think about him at all.
He's going to make me cry.
Happy birthday little brother!

i love you but i've chosen darkness,

what happened to the dark days,
and the really dark days,
when i had to take the 6 from school and transfer the e to union turnpike and the 46 to springfield blvd and walk past alley pond park to 69th avenue and talk to myself or listen to the weakerthans for the first few times i ever heard them, and i clapped my hands to keep myself warm and distracted,
and the sun didn't shine on my dorm room,
and the clouds let me desperate,
and the sun hurt me so much.

new college is great!
i miss how much new york sucked,
because it sucked for me but it sucked for everyone else.

it's like the mets winning in the bottom of the ninth inning
let the cool goddess rust away
chicago
velocity girl
heartbeats
the good life
slow jamz
always be my baby
dreams
fake plastic trees
life on mars?
decatur, or
like a rock

clap your hands,
sufjan stevens
snow patrol
the knife
weezer
kanye
mariah
the knife
radiohead
seu jorge
sufjan stevens
bob seger

Sep. 12th, 2006

The library is not a cold dead place.

Sometimes an angel will hurt you.

I can't forgive.

Pelicans.

Any time I make a mistake, it runs away from me really slowly so I can catch up to it.

Heaven is a place.

Danielle. Danielle.

I missed her up.
what's the difference between steve irwin and tantric sex?





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sting
why do people say "love you" now?
why don't they say "i love you" anymore!

there's no "i" in i love you

that's so impersonal!

(leave answers to the question in the comments)