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Ten Years

Once a year, I look back at old entries. Each annual flashback is an attempt to put my life into perspective. Nowhere else do I have such tangible evidence of my past self's hopes, dreams, fears, and failures. Livejournal is the best indication I have of my own progression, each post a marker of maturation.

By nature, this site is now rooted in its past. Up against the immediacy of newsfeeds and tweets, the most crucial feature Livejournal posts can offer is a lifespan. Each post functions as an archived thought, rather than a current one. This site is meant to be read in the future, not right now.

I think of my past posts as cries for help directed at my future self. I find myself apologizing to my past self for not fulfilling its dreams, for not being where it wanted to be. More than anything though, I feel reassured. I may not have ended up on my desired path, but found myself on an even better one.

I will end with this. Not many people are fortunate enough to know exactly where they were and what they were thinking 10 years ago. I am. That's why I'm starting my Livejournal again. I'm not writing for my own sake, but for the sake of 35-year-old Paolo, who just might need a little perspective 10 years from now.

Love,
Paolo


P.S. Exactly 10 years ago, on March 31, 2003, these are things I wrote:

"after many days away from you, i have finally come up with an idea/thought/opinion worth noting... a public service announcement..."


"i may be premature in saying this, but im NOT GOING TO A GOOD COLLEGE"


"this is my goal, and it's been my ONLY GOAL besides getting a phd in psychology when i grow up..."

"i want there to be a reason for going to a school...a reason to be educated...cause right now, there is none...and most importantly, in the middle of all these conflicts coming at me together...i want to make sure that i have a reason to fucking try"
hey
(i miss this)
"Pablo, I'm sorry Paolo. Great job on your test, and I won't forget it."

That's what Paul Paskoff, my HIST2055 professor, said upon handing me my exam. I scored an A, and whether or not Paul Paskoff remembers it or not, I will, because that grade kind of confirmed my place at LSU.

I'm doing really well in class. The As have been rolling since I got here. Two of them came after I filled out 50 questions on Scantron sheets. Scantron sheets are like Delaney cards and lunch money in that I haven't seen them since the 8th grade. The 8th grade, I think, is also the last time I felt confident in myself as a writer, thinker, or student.

There's something to say for sure when I can transfer to less prestigious LSU and:
1. Get better grades
2. Feel smarter and more confident
3. Take classes I want to take
4. Generally, have a much better education
5. Pay less $$


Maybe what I'm getting at is that my education has, in a lot of ways, regressed- the classes are easier, my mind thinks less, the concepts have become less conceptual and more simple and practical. But in spite of that, I'm kind of experiencing an academic renaissance...?


For a few years, I thought that I could roll with the geniuses and overachievers at school, but I couldn't. I think in some ways, I am a genius and I am an overachiever (mostly concerning things like puzzles, analyzing sports, Scrabble, spelling, crossword puzzles, interpersonal relationships, self-reference, party-planning, and generally having a good eye for fashion). But if my education doesn't involve one of those 9 things, I don't do very well...
It is what it is. I don't really know how to interpret stuff like this yet.

I also:
6. Am with my girlfriend
7. As a student, receive ridiculously cheap tickets every home game for the best team in college football (Only $94 for 7 home games. Some tickets to this Saturday's LSU-Florida game are worth up to $2,000.)
8. Don't have many friends here

Number 8 sticks out. It is the only thing I really sacrificed by transferring from New College FL. Whatever. It's been good to learn to live without an excess of social support. My individuality has probably been constrained the past few years as friendships bubbled around me. I'm looking forward to seeing what alone time and anonymity is like.

Anyway, looks like I made a good choice. I visited New College of Florida this weekend, but in my rush to spend quality time with everyone, I couldn't really give anyone a good update on how I was doing. I hope this was a good one. I'm just coming down from my high on getting my 4th A in a row, so unfortunately, this note kind of looks like garbage to me now.

9: My school has a live bengal tiger on campus as its mascot.


Sep. 5th, 2007

hey school's (lsu) going well and i really like my classes-- media persuasion, visual communication, accounting, us history, & geography.
if you don't know me by now, i transferred colleges and i'm studying advertising.

also, in an attempt to make myself more official, i started 4 new e-mail accounts. they are
paoloroy69@yahoo.com
paoloroy69@gmail.com
paoroy@yahoo.com
paoroy@gmail.com

which 1 should i use??
i'd like to settle on one of them. my two current email addresses are
spiralinghalo@yahoo.com and
www.paolo@gmail.com
i like yahoo more than gmail though.
to explain the 69, my birthday is june 9th.
I thought I would come back.

I'll be on livejournal soon and again, I just wanted to break the exciting ice after not writing for the longest time. Leave me messages if you read this.

Back/bank

Hello,

Danielle will be at New College from this Thursday until next Thursday!
Oh, I'm back in the game. The livejournal game. I'm a player.

I work out. We work out.

As you may or may not have noticed, I didn't mention Danielle in a livejournal entry for the first time since probably the day I kissed her. That was just a brief lapse in my infatuation with?/for?/towards? her though and it was probably a good break. I think she's/you're the only one who reads this though, and like me, I can only imagine that she broods over entries that don't include her name. On a few different journals and sometimes on my Friendslist, I Ctrl+F my name and only chose to read things with "paolo" in them.

I was thinking of writing an entry like: "It's 6:55 and the sun is coming up, there's gum in mouth that I'm trying not to chew that I've had there since the party last night that started at 10. (holy shit gum for 9 hours.) i got so drunk but life is beautiful, and i cried two nights ago listening to coldplay. i love my friends" or something like that- def sarcastic but not really because i used to post things like that as recent as dec 04 2005. anyway i was just thinking what i could post that i would a: regret in a week b: regret if i checked random entries three years from now c: never ever regret.
i think there are a few never-regrets. such as my condiment tournament poll from august 2003...

i couldn't find it but i did find this one from the same month: http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=169086
click it click it click it.

danielle and i will celebrate our much anticipated 15 month anniversary (longest ever) tomorrow. not even today- that's how widely anticipated it is. we are good. i hope we're not doing presents for this one because in a few more days it'll be valentine's day=assumed present day.

i have to say, celebrating an anniversary doesn't mean much if you can't imagine you doing it again, as in double. as in knowing we can celebrate a 30 month anniversary somewhere down the line. i have to say i think we can do it. i just have to.
we're good. we got along really well in louisiana this past january (a lot of good sex) and we're only getting closer. ldr is rough, but we've been dealing with it better than ever and it's 7:08AM and i'll call her after i type this but i bet we'll talk for a good hour and a half cause that's how good we are..(she'll be grumpy at first but then we'll have a good conversation).

I'll post more often!
Oh-
My classes are:

Advanced Poetry
Advanced Drawing
Sculpture 1
Elementary Spanish 2
Newsmagazine Editing 1 (I'm the Opinions editor for my school paper! No but seriously)

Oh- and I work out now.
We work out now.

Paolo and Danielle

August 2003-February 2007

August 2003- as you may realize from going back about 500 livejournal posts- was the time i first became someone i like today. i hope that in like 2011, february 2007 will be a little similar.

since i haven't posted in about 3 months (dec 06, jan 07 were the only missed months since my livejournal's inception: August 2002) since i haven't posted in about 3 months, this entry and near-subsequent entries will probably be (for me at least) more about my livejournal than about myself.
August 2003- as you may realize from going back about 500 livejournal posts- was the time i first became someone i like today. i hope that in like 2011, february 2007 will be a little similar.

since i haven't posted in about 3 months (dec 06, jan 07 were the only missed months since my livejournal's inception: August 2002) since i haven't posted in about 3 months, this entry and near-subsequent entries will probably be (for me at least) more about my livejournal than about myself.

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